I’m an addict. I have been for 12 years, and I will be the rest of my life. It is something that stalks you no matter how long you’ve been sober.
There is a certain shame which permeates your being when you are as deep as I was into the drug scene. A shame that can only be sated by more drugs, and then again by more drugs, and so on… You get to a point where your demons have become so large that you never want to come down and face them.
I hurt many people during my time spent getting high. It’s a horrible feeling to know that your choices in life have caused your friends and family emotional harm. I have spent the last four years getting sober, and repairing as many of those relationships as I could, but many more will never be salvaged. I will always have that hanging over my heart.
Drugs have taken me into several odd situations. Some were fun, some were crazy, and some were just plain fucked up; but in the end the lifestyle just wasn’t worth it.
I’ve been asked if I would I change my past if I could, or if I could take away the pain I caused others. No, I would not. It has made me who I am today. A strong man with a vision for better future. I’ve finally become a man I can be proud of. A man who is generous and helps others.
My life will never be an easy one. I have too much wrong with me, and too much darkness in my past that I will carry until I die. All I can do is embrace who I am, and understand that it is apart of me. It is the only way I can keep moving forward.
“It isn’t malevolent, or carrying evil intent. It just is what it is, and that is, is bent. It takes you by the horns and leads you about. You bow to the purpose, empty and devout. It owns you in the end, and there’s nothing you can do. It stalks you for life. It takes all of you. So, I wish you luck, my friend. You’ll need it for sure. Once this path has been started, it’s yours forever more.” ~ G. Paul Stevenson
